I began writing my first novel, Warriors Ode, in 2023, and since then, I have made many edits and revisions. On the surface, it is a story set in Astoria, Oregon, about an artist with surreal/divine abilities to bring his artwork to life and influence his viewers’ minds in often dangerous ways. On a deeper level, it is a story about long-felt family dynamics, our lasting impact after death, the power of artistic influence, and isolation. I have grown into a different writer over the last three years, and to bring you into my editing process, I will share the prologue of Warriors Ode, along with the opening paragraphs of the first draft and their revised versions.
First Paragraph, First Draft
Prologues can be tricky. Some people hate them, some love them. If it adds to the story, then I’m all for them. It is better to keep them short so you give just enough information to hook the reader and then propel them into the story quickly. Info dumping is when a writer throws a bunch of worldbuilding, backstory, or even description at a reader. Ask yourself if the reader needs to know this information right now. If it feels like a big info dump (which is never a good idea), scrap it or rework it. It is better to weave information throughout the entire novel so as not to bore your readers to death. On another note, I am of the school of less is more. Get rid of unnecessary words when you can and save us all some time by getting to the point. And finally, this is a boring opening paragraph, which is detrimental considering this is the part of the book where I want to hook a reader’s attention. There is a lot of narrative explaining in this paragraph, and no visceral, active imagery. The story may not be in the first person, but that doesn’t mean third-person omniscient can’t still feel like the events are happening before your eyes. Additionally, there is nothing interesting here about why I care who this Ivan Ingold character is. In this paragraph, he is just some artist who invited people into his home to view his artwork. BORING. And not only is it boring, but it also detracts from the type of character I am trying to portray. In this paragraph, he doesn’t feel like anyone important, let alone a man whose art has divine properties. Now, let’s take a look at a reworked prologue.
First Paragraph, Revised
The first sentence reads more like a book I’d be interested in devoting my time to. Right away, I punch the reader in the face with an extreme verb: ripped, and also give the reader a better idea of just how influential this Ivan Ingold character is. A world is not built by what the author tells readers, but by how the inhabitants react to what happens in said world. How would society react to a man whose artwork has hypnotic properties? I explore this question more deeply in the book, but I give you a sense of how they react right away… they want to cut off his hands! I also give readers a glimpse of conflict that will arise later in the book. Those who worship Ivan Ingold like a god, and those who see him as a harbinger of evil. This new paragraph paints visceral pictures in my head and sprinkles breadcrumbs of the world I want to build.
Second Paragraph, First Draft
It is hard to explain the next paragraph, but the whole thing just felt off. For starters, we are two paragraphs in, and all we know is that the story begins in December 2005 and features a guy named Ivan Ingold. Where are we? Mars? Russia? Texas? It is our job as authors to guide readers through our stories without letting them know we are pulling the strings behind the scenes, and by withholding something as important as the setting, I am creating a jarring experience right off the bat. A lot of this paragraph is me telling you how the Twelve reacted to the paintings, rather than showing you. And since it made more sense to scrap it rather than punch it up (this is a prologue; short and sweet is our friend), I decided to remove a good portion of it. It also lacks sensory descriptors, which are important for making readers feel as if they are experiencing the story as it unfolds, even when it is in the third person. Lastly, I scrapped “first” since the “Twelve” sounds better and simpler.
Second Paragraph, Revised
In the revised version, I introduce the time and place of the setting together in the second paragraph. Add some sensory details, “windy winter day,” and create an image by comparing a large gathering of people to something as seemingly endless as the sea. A big part of editing is moving things around to better fit the narrative. If you compare the first paragraph of the first draft with the second paragraph of the revised version, you’ll see that I moved the Twelve’s reaction to the second paragraph and removed redundant phrasing like “stripped of everything that made them themselves.” In the first paragraph of the first draft, I also used a weak, telling verb: “Humanity watched.” I asked myself, “How did humanity watch?” In the paragraph above, I show how humanity watched rather than just saying, “they watched.” “National and International news outlets broadcast the event worldwide…” Not only does this prove that humanity did, in fact, watch, but it also drives home just how big an event like this art unveiling was.
Third Paragraph, First Draft. Revised Below
The first sentence was simply not needed. Starting the paragraph with the second sentence is more punchy and flows better with the ominous vibe I am trying to give this prologue. “Ivan used the First Twelve as guinea pigs,” then I immediately weakened the writing by explaining why he used them as guinea pigs, “to see how they reacted…” And I did the same explanatory writing when I wrote, “was to leave the world in a better condition than when they entered it.” Using extra words to explain why characters acted takes up time and insults a reader’s intelligence when it can be easily inferred why they did what they did. It was already obvious that five of the Twelve must have had good intentions if they led humanitarian missions across the globe. The paragraph below is simpler and still gets the point across.
Aside from the typos in the last few paragraphs of the first draft, a lot of this information isn’t necessary and doesn’t have the flow I was looking for. I liked the line: “The power his paintbrush held over the world and its inhabitants was too strong.” But I first heard, “kill your darlings” in Steven King’s On Writing, and this was one of those times I had to kill a darling. Finally, the highlighted portion is incorrect because the FBI does not sentence people; the courts do.
I’ve heard people say that paragraphs can’t be only one sentence, and I partly agree, but there’s something about the last of the Twelve turning into the world’s most notorious serial killer that deserves its own line. It’s jarring and unexpected, yet it looks good on paper. I removed the man’s name because it was not pertinent to the prologue. And finally, the final line, “…altered the course of history,” has more dramatic effect than “the world could never have prepared for.” All in all, I was able to shave off 100 or so words.
Everyone’s editing process is a little different, and at the end of the day, writing is subjective. It’s important to share your writing and offer/receive feedback if you want to grow. Hopefully, this insight into my editing process will help other writers with their own works in progress. I’m excited to publish Warriors Ode when I am confident it is the best version I have written. To cap things off, when you’re editing, ask yourself, ‘Is this part needed right here?’ If not, then cut it. And beware of weakening your writing with unnecessary words. Feel free to share your own tips for how you edit in the comments. Everyone has a story, and yours deserves to be told just as much as anyone else’s. Take the first step and see where it takes you; who knows, you might write my next favorite story.
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